From My Heart

It's almost midnight. I have class tomorrow, and a lot of other things I could do before bed. Yet I am writing a blog post because a) I feel bad that I have been unable to update recently - my life has been CRAZY and b) because God laid you girls on my heart tonight.

I am going to be rather honest in this post, but I feel like what I tell you is more impactful if I tell you how I have messed up. SURPRISE, camp counselors aren't perfect!

There was a boy that I liked for a year. A whole year. And he didn't like me back. But I kept hoping that he would, so I invested a lot of time and emotion into him. I thought that by being the "best friend" our relationship would change into something more. I didn't "guard my heart," and now that I have finally realized that he doesn't like me and it isn't "meant to be," my heart is hurting.

FIRST OF ALL I never really understood what "guarding your heart" means. It's a phrase that gets thrown around a lot, and I am still not positive, but what I have learned from experience is that we, as girls, have to really guard our minds and our emotions. We could just be friends with a guy but we let our minds wander and daydream and think about what it would be like if we dated that boy. If we do it often enough, it is even easier to read into what they are doing or saying to us -- so that we get to a point where, to him, we are still just friends, but in your mind you are already dating. A lot of hurt from failed relationships comes from your own personal daydreams into something that never really happened. It also means being careful with what you talk about with a guy. Many times, they are easier to talk to than girls (because they don't interrupt you and always want to talk about themselves, haha), but that doesn't mean you should tell them all about your struggle with singleness or how you are having a fight with your best friend or whatever. Guys shouldn't be the ones you go to with personal issues or when you just need someone to listen. That, in your mind, gives you an emotional bond to that guy, but guys don't form emotional ties like we do.

Tonight, though, I was at Cru (student ministry I am involved in), and we sang the song "I Will Lift My Eyes." I have this song on iTunes by Bebo Norman, but I normally skip it because I always thought it was overplayed on the radio. When I was singing it, though, the words really hit me. Try to read through them: I know it's easy to skip over lyrics, but these are powerful.

God My God, I cry out
your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt
your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in


I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you

God my God let mercy sing
her melody over me

God right here all I bring is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside

cause you are
and you were
and you will be forever
The lover I need to save me
Cause you fashioned the earth
and Hold it together
God so hold me now

I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside

God My God, I cry out
your beloved needs you now

Wow. I love the chorus, especially. He is the Maker of mountains that I can't climb (He is bigger than my problems), He can calm all the storms in my life, and He can heal the hurt I am hiding inside. I am His beloved, and I can call out to him. Psalm 62:8 says to "pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." He wants to hold me and hold my hurt and heal me. He is the love I need in my life, not love from a boy. I hope and pray that that love will come, one day, but it is not what I need to make me happy and it is not what I need to be complete.

I am passionate about my relationship with Christ. It is the most important thing in my life. And when I truly live by that belief, nothing else will matter. I want to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" and trust that God will provide everything else (Matthew 6:33).

I love you girls, and I am praying for you! Know that God is still working on me, so He is continually working on you as well.